when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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