First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
