The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
