If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
