saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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