maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
