he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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