when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
