Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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