if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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