Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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