If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
