what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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