remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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