i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
