Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
