i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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