and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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