im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your shirt... Was in my pants
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
