What did we do last night that was yellow?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
