if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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