And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We're too hungover to prance.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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