Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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