had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
