She is in my trunk
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
