her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
