i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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