Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
