mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.