i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me