Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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