If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize