does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
