I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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