alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
