Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
