Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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