Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
