We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
