Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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