Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
