Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Randomize
