i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
