I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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