There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
