On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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