I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
