Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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