the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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