Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
