That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
