i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
