When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
