He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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