i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I CAN MOONWALK!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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