New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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