my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
